As the year comes to an end, many of the posts on Linkedin, the only social network that I am actively using, are about reflections on the passed year of 2024. They are called “reflections”, but these are meant mostly to highlight successes and perhaps help the authors to end the year on a good note of a heightened self-esteem — look how many things I have achieved this year! Look how much there is still to achieve! Not purely their fault, as social media is designed to communicate short snippets of information and the dopamine dependency propels positive messages and not reflective learnings from failures, mostly.
However, one wonders — are these pure status pursuits or is there anything more behind that? I wonder if it matters too. There is so much content these days anyways — why are we sharing en mas? Why do we need to be visible in everything we do? What does it do to the content/substance of what we do — beyond the mere snippet on the social media that we have done something? I am sure there are also truly reflective posts — what one has learned, what one has appreciated, and what one still wants to achieve in the future. Less of personal branding and more of sharing with others what one thinks. And such sharing is the part and parcel of being a human. So at the end of the day, perhaps not such a shameful thing to share a post on reflections.
Such thoughts of sharing a shiny report on my 2024 have also crossed my mind — why not to share something about this year, which has been extra-ordinary in many ways for me — from doing new things, such as organising an international workshop in a new location — Georgia, to taking part in an official trade mission of the Netherlands water sector to struggling in my personal and professional life with questions of meaning, balance and endurance. The last in a form of an enduring burn-out. But eventually, in a society which is (increasingly) about competition, personal branding, status and productivity, emotional reinforcement (from social media) that is conditional on productivity is temporary and elusive. It rewards false things… The real indicator is how one feels inside. And that is what matters really as it is the ultimate driver of activity, change, achievement.
I have been taking time off work in the past few months to reflect on various strands of my career/life. And I am privileged to have support of my partner, mentors, good friends and a mental health professional in this journey. This has been a challenging but also a truly valuable experience so far, at times beautiful in the rawness of emotions involved. I am trying new things (learning to drive, hoping to pick up dancing), I am decoupling my identity from work and work-related achievement (e.g. look, I have “likes” on my post! or look, new citations to my article!). I am taking distance from work in ways that are new to me (not doing or thinking about work for days on end). Indeed, it’s not an easy process, which is okay — having worked hard since I was 6 or 7, it is not surprising that it is hard for me to let go. And perhaps I will never fully let go of my intellectual life, thankfully!
But the calm and peace (albeit temporary and easily disturbed) that are gradually settling in inside have been interesting to observe — sometimes blissful, sometimes worrying, and sometimes confusing – a low-grade anxiety that is floating there in my subconsciousness as the big questions remain answerless.
I don’t know what the next steps will be for me, but preserving this distance (from work, judgment, entanglements, desires, hurt) and peace is what I would like to have in my life more in the future — both personal and professional. It is ironic as I have been busy with the project of emphasizing emotions and passions in my work and life — do what you love, think in an embodied way — but the lesson I am learning now is actually to react less, put things in perspective, broaden my life instead of deepening it (a beautiful metaphor of life as a river). That is counter-intuitive. As the feeling of calm, fulfilment and peace, incomplete as they are, but still, are present — and because this is what matters as a sign that I am doing something right, and not the many citations to my articles or likes on social media, this is what I wanted to report. And this is my reflection on 2024! Happy New Year to you all and all the best for 2025!